The Aureate Laureate

At 7.18pm EST, elderly Alan Carruthers unearthed a sea-going vessel whilst metal detecting in a field near his home. Andrew Walker,Chairman of the Royal Diggin’ Up Boat Society, remarked that this was possibly the most astounding discovery he had heard of since he started his tenure as Emeritus Professor of Subterranean Watercraft at Michigan Institute of Technology (MIT) 30 years ago. To the layman, this is just a regular digging up of an old boat, but to Prof. Walker it resonates deeply through his field of study – ‘Well mate, what we’ve got is an old man digging up a boat. Old old man, digging up boat. Boat boat boat boat boat, booooaaaaat. Boat?’ Alan Carruthers is expected to fly to MIT to discuss his find with Prof. Walker next week in preparation for the publication of a potentially ground-breaking paper. As usual with this type of work, the breadth of vocabulary used in the paper will be limited to around 5 words.

From Reuters UK

A bit of a short post today as I got a bit fucked up with some ad guys from a certain $25bn search engine last night. They insisted we go to a strip club, which I hate, and 30 of us found ourselves in a private room with six asian girls and a couple of Dutch 16-year-old twins. The Google (oops, search engine) guys paid them two grand each to do some pretty rude stuff on each other with step-ladders and a funnel full of custard. When the twins brought a paddling pool in I gave them a tip, took my passport back and left. Quite a good night, though I do feel sorry for those girls having to do so much cool stuff to each other just to earn in a week what I earn in a day.

Yesterday a girl hanged herself off a tree in Bridgend, the 17th person under 27 to do so in the last year. The media seem to be very selective about the facts they present in their reportage of this phenomenon. Let’s see how the Telegraph spun it - ‘Despite insisting that the deaths are not directly connected, authorities are no closer to explaining why so many young people have chosen to end their lives by hanging’. Typical right-wing nonsense from the Smellygraph, to be expected really.

The Guardian probes a lot deeper with ‘Last week, two cousins died within two days of each other and five people aged between 15 and 20 have died in the area this year.’, but I have a better explanation, and indeed a solution. A quick check of my sources (always private) reveals that Bridgend is home to two bands, Bullet for my Valentine and Funeral for a Friend. I think it goes without saying that these bands encourage suicide so explicitly that they should be banned outright and the people responsible for them should be imprisoned. When will the Tories realise that it’s not people that are at fault, it’s the musicians who make people. I’ll not even mention the fact that the music these guys make is probably really shit. I just had a chat with a BBC researcher who is working on a special report on this Bridgend issue, and she informs me that no one has ever killed themselves after listening to Hot Chip. I rest my case.

Welcome to the first ‘edition’ of the Aureate Laureate, a blog by me, Simon Barker, about my life in the heart of London’s media. You can read about what I do on the About Me page. I hope you enjoy your stay.

Today wasn’t so amazing. I spent 40 minutes on the Tube going to see my record label-owning friend about my band, XXXXXX, remixing tracks for a cover CD on NME. It sounds like a good idea, but I’m not sure if I really want to sell my soul to the corporate whores at IPC. My friend Kramer says that music is all about art, and if you can make money from art, then that’s a bonus. i probably agree. Spending that hellish 40 minutes on the Tube didn’t exactly do my pleasant demeanour any favours, but I managed to scrape through until lunch, which was with some guys who are starting a digital content delivery company who specialise in lossless audio. This is through and through an awful idea. I can’t think of anyone who would be interested in this and I feel quite sorry for the guys. Still, I have to wish them the best of luck. They’ll need it.

After lunch, I met with a film director who wants to stage a production of a classic opera and give it a new media edge. My ears pricked up when I heard this as Carmen is easily my favourite opera and new media is my middle name. One of the ideas we’re playing with is to bluetooth the main aria as a ringtone to everyone in the theatre so they can play it when Carmen comes on. It’s an incredible idea which should really resonate with inner city kids. Hopefully we’ll have kids from Brixton getting into opera in a big way, like I did when I was a teenager.

Interesting news about BAE Systems in the Guardian today: apparently a company called BAE may be involved in bribery with some Saudis. I don’t really follow this stuff, but I think it’s all a little odd considering that this company is worth £13 billion. Why would they need to bribe anyone?

Must dash
Simon